“We were Supposed to be Happy.”

Happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. 

Angel Chernoff (partial quote)

I remember grappling with this the year my husband, Eric, had his appendix burst and hospitalized for 2 weeks; losing 25 pounds in 13 days. Driving him to the hospital with one hand so the other hand could hold his head up as he kept passing out.

Then one month later, getting hit by a truck while on his bicycle and forever ruining his foot, even after surgery.

All this only one year, almost to the day, after our wedding on January 8, 2011.

I thought….this isn’t right. This ISNT the way it was supposed to be. We were supposed to have a happy, fun-filled, easy going, get-to-know-each-other first few years. The hard stuff was supposed to come later. Much. Much. Later.

What is that old Yiddish proverb? We plan, God laughs?

Well, this isn’t a post so you can pity me. Or Eric. It’s a reflection on how God turned all things to our good. He didn’t make it easy for us. He let us walk the hard path. He let those things happen for his own understanding and asked us to be patient and to trust and to keep praying and to stay faithful. It wasn’t easy and it still isn’t easy.

→ Eric still has pains in his stomach from the scar tissue of all the drains put in and taken out.

→ Eric still has to stretch his foot in the shower every morning so he can walk without much of a limp; So he can chase his little boy or walk his dogs.

→ Eric is here and he is healthy.

So I am thankful. It took me a long time to let go of what could have been, what should have been. But who am I to say what should have been?

I’m not saying someone dying of cancer should be happy their life turned out the way it did. I’m not going to pretend I know how any one of your lives is right now or how to be happy within it. But for me? Happiness is letting go of what I thought our lives should’ve been and seeing it for what it has become.

Through the lows and through the highs, it has been the ride of a lifetime with so so so many hardships. But Eric and I are closer than I ever thought possible. God and I are closer than I ever thought possible. And for that? I will always be thankful.